I am writing this post because I think more artists out there need to hear it. I know I can't be the only one who has gone through a rough patch when developing a project, and knowing most artists are emotional, sensitive, and self-critical beings, I thought perhaps it might do someone some good to hear this anecdote. This post reflects on the last few months, May, June, July, and August. I have been quiet for a long time. I guess this is the story of why I have been that way recently.
Back at the end of May, I was up for review for my dream project, The Artist, The Daemon, and The Shadow. It was a pivotal time in my Master's degree, when you are approved to continue your work and proceed along the track to graduation. Passing was essential to keeping me on the timeline I had planned, which was to graduate by this Christmas. I could write a book about the dreams I received that week, how I read the dream signs wrong, how they were telling me that nothing was going to go according to my plan, but it wouldn't really make sense to most people. If you are one of the few out there who receives and understands dreams in the way that I do, then I'm sure you understand immediately what its like to read your dream signs wrong.... and then get slapped in the face with the truth later.
To make a long spiritaul dream story very short, I did not pass my review, and within five minutes of failing my review, three dreams suddenly "clicked!" To my dismay, I realized I had been warned, by the Universe, or God, or whomever or whatever you decide to call it. I had been warned that I wasn't going to pass, and I didn't see it coming anyway.
So needless to say, it hurt like hell to fail. And I mean HURT. It was completely my fault, yet, I had been warned with dreams like I always am. How could I do this to myself? I didn't know what hurt more, knowing it was my fault, or knowing I had missed the warning that was trying to save me from the heartache all along.
I broke my heart that day. But I often refer to it as "breaking my ego," for I feel that was what I was actually meant to do.
You see, I had been struggling for months and months and months to describe my project, to title it, to write about it and speak about it to others. Mainly for the same reasons why I choose not to describe my dream experiences here in this post - people just don't understand. It's incredibly difficult to explain spiritual/psychological/personal experiences to someone when you are the only one that SEES it. The only one that recognizes the synchronicities between your dream life and your waking life.
I had spent my time digging into psychoanalytical theory and dream psychology to help me write my papers and understand my concept from an academic level, and through that research I discovered the title for my project: The Artist, The Daemon, and The Shadow. But it should be known that at first, this project was only The Daemon and The Shadow.
It doesn't sound like a major title change, but adding "The Artist" in there was a huge move.
The Artist, The Daemon, and The Shadow serve as a model of the psychic trinity presented by Sigmund Freud, and it is the basic foundation of understanding the human mind, our physical existence, and our connection to the Universe and the Collective Unconscious of humanity. There are essentially three parts of our "soul" according to psychoanalytical theory: the Ego (our waking existence), the Id (The Shadow self that we suppress/ unconscious self), and The Superego (The part of us that connects to the Collective Unconscious/spirit.)
First, I had identified the Shadow aspect of myself, the part of me that interacts in my dreams, the one I usually have to confront in my dreams. My shadow is often myself, but occasionally she appears as other people. My Shadow was the part of me that had been missing for so long, the part of me that had been buried away for years while I was stagnate in my art. Once I found my creativity again, my Shadow self came to life. She handles almost everything in my dreams, and she is bolder, fiercer, wiser, and braver than I am in real life. She is my opposite. Where I am timid, quiet, and scared, she is loud, abrasive, and outgoing. We all have a Shadow self, even if we never identify them in our dreams. Our shadows are simply those parts of ourselves that we repress to keep our waking lives and society's opinions of us balanced. Think like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Your Ego is the Doctor, and your Shadow is Mr. Hyde.
The "Daemon" was a term I discovered at one point in a textbook, but upon further research decided it was perfect to describe the SuperEgo aspect of myself. Most research of the term "Daemon" leads back to Socrates, who was put on trial before the city of Athens and condemned to death for stating that he and his work were lead by a "Daemon." Daemon in its more traditional definition simply refers to a spirit which takes up in our bodies and guides us on our life path. The Westernized Christian term "demon" put a negative connotation on it. Similar to a Muse, a Daemon inspires us, but a Daemon (in Socrates case) is more like a inner voice of reason that speaks out to guide you. My dreams function very much in this way for me. So in order to simply a very complex spiritual idea (the idea that my dreams are "sent" to me from someone or somewhere else) I chose the word Daemon to describe that aspect of my work.
And thats where I had been sitting at for so long, until I realized the third aspect of the trinity was Ego, was me, The Artist.
I sat down and wrote an enormous paper about Ego, about how we get broken sometimes, and that we must heal ourselves from the inside out if we wish to find our happiness and our true selves again. I wrote about how we have to embrace and discover our Shadows, our Daemons, and follow their guidance. I wrote all night long about how "we must first be broken before we can learn to fix ourselves..." and then I broke myself the next day. The Artist failed. The Artist was broken.
I wrote it all into existence. I discovered my Ego the night before review, and then I broke it.
And that was how we got to this point.
I ended my quarter in May with many tears, much exhaustion, and the general feeling of depression. I was dejected. I was mad at myself. I was broken again. And I proceeded to retreat into the empty days of summer as if I would never crawl out of it. I felt like the life had been sucked out of me, that I had already given EVERYTHING I had to this project, that there was nothing left inside of me to give.
For one whole month, I didn't even look at my images. I couldn't touch my art. I could barely turn on my computer because I had all the work saved right there on my desktop. I wasn't ready to work again. So I didn't. In my dream life, I did not dream for the entire month of June. This hurt me too, for I dream often and very vividly. To fail my dream project, and then have no dreams for a month, it felt like I had been abandoned. But at the same time, my intuition told me what was really going on: I was going through a MAJOR life shift. Everything had been turned on its head. Now I couldn't even dream. Something was going on inside of me, something was sorting itself out, and it was my body and my mind's way of telling me that I NEEDED A BREAK. (Side note: Everyone else I know told me I needed a break. I didn't want to believe them, but they were right apparently. My body and my friends all knew what I needed.)
I spent most of June just healing my heart. I literally did everything except for my artwork. I spent my energy on everything else, starting with cleaning.
I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I cleaned the clutter out of my office, my bedroom, my bathroom cabinets, my son's room. Everything has been getting cleaned. I see that as a reflection of me cleaning myself out as well.
Once July came around (and my office was free of clutter) I began to make small plans for my next photoshoots. I sketched, I set up a horse model call so I could start getting my ducks in a row for a big production, and I began doing my research again, this time from a more spiritual standpoint. I felt like I had read so much psychoanalysis that I could recite a whole Carl Jung essay on the spot, It was time for something new. So I started with The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes, and it covers the Law of Attraction.
I finished that book, and my life started changing once I started implementing its practices.
I began searching for other people to talk to about my dreams. I realized part of why I felt so down and low was because no one could understand my struggles because I was babbling on about dreams to people who didn't even dream at all. How could I express myself to people when I was speaking an entirely different language? I made it a point to seek out others who "spoke my language" and surround myself with them. Old and new ancquaintences started coming out of the woodwork, and just like that, I had found a small circle of people I could confide in. They listen. They understand. They give me excellent advice. They are my new "Dream Team" support group, and I am so grateful for the time I've had to connect with them. It finished healing my heart.
Here now in August, I've been making solid plans for photoshoots again. I've got plans lined up, people on board, and a working timeline. I am productive. I am sane. I am balanced. And most importantly, I have been receiving magnificent dreams that go beyond those I have had before. I did heal. I did grow. And after a break, my dreams were magnified. I found my power again, and I am even stronger and more prepared than I thought I could be. I came out better after this retreat than I would have expected to.
I'm still cleaning things out of my life. I'm still preparing to get back to work. But after this three month "retreat" from my work, I finally feel ready to face it again. Sometimes when you think you've given everything you have to your work, you haven't. Not even close. Sometimes when you think you've found yourself, part of you runs away again, and you have to go chase it down. Sometimes we have to be reminded OVER AND OVER again, who we are, why we do what we do, what our life path is, what are we really here for.
I thought I knew all of that already. I thought I had figured it all out before I failed review, and I thought there was nothing left to figure out. I was very wrong. And that's exactly what this retreat taught me, along with many lessons:
1.) As an artist, it is okay to walk away from your work for a while. You might actually need it.
2.) As a dreamer/clairvoyant, its okay to misread the signs. If you don't make mistakes, you won't learn how to read them better the next time.
3.) You are never done learning about yourself, and there is always more to give. Maybe not right this moment, but when the time is right.
4.) You can certainly take time to heal yourself. Everyone needs to.
5.) Its okay to "break" yourself too. Sometimes, its necessary in order for you to become stronger.
6.) Recognize that your worst enemy is yourself, and get back up to fight them.
7.) There ARE people out there like you (whoever or whatever you are.) Go and find them.
8.) Retreat is good. Isolation is not.
9.) Not everything works on YOUR timeline, but it DOES work on the RIGHT timeline. If it doesn't happen for you now, it wasn't meant to be. You have more growing to do. There is always next time.
10.) Don't underestimate the Universe and the Law of Attraction. Your thoughts and your words are powerful. What you think of and what you do or say is what you will receive in return. So free yourself of doubt and fear and focus on your dreams. If you continously focus on your dreams, you CAN make them into reality.
11.) Never stop dreaming.